i’m a Peter Pan
How do you feel when your friends cash out of the startups they founded for millions (while you’re working as a lowly peon for someone else)? What about when your best friend gets engaged (while you’re single)? Or when a friend unexpectedly gets pregnant (while you’re scream-fighting with your boyfriend)? For most of you, these milestones in your friends’ lives bring about mixed emotions — you’re happy for them (if you’re not a sociopath), but you also feel some semblance of sadness—because their lives are moving forward (is yours?); because you want the same things for yourself (will you get them?).
As a perennial late-bloomer (my first trip didn’t take place until I was 28!), I came to terms early on (the only thing I was early at) that I’m going to do things a little later than most people I know. And that was okay. Given the life expectancy of someone like me (petite, Asian, female), the road should be long. What’s the rush to do the things an adult is supposed to do? What’s the rush to be an adult at all, really?
As I’ve talked about, there’s a certain joy in delayed discovery, a magic in the sense of possibility when you haven’t yet made any trap-door, zero-sum choices. In reading Hope in the Dark by Rebecca Solnit, I recognized in her stories of disasters an unwaveringly thread of cautious optimism, despite — or because of — uncertainty. “The future is dark, with a darkness as much of the womb as the grave.” She’s speaking on a much grander scale, but I think we can indulge in the narcissism of making it about our own lives.
The “Peter Pans” of San Francisco (all coastal cities, really) have been lamented enough to become memeified—but, in the purest sense, I’m on the side of the Peters. Why does anyone want to grow up? What’s so good about “adult-ing”? I don’t want to meal plan with you until the end of time. I don’t want to meal plan at all. Give me my college dinner of a bowl of Special K red berries when I want it or give me death.
And surely you know that it’s a delusion that we’re any more adult than we were in college. We’re make-believe playing-house, pretending to be adults, but we outsource all of the responsibilities we associate with adulthood to people who do not have the privileged option of staying a Peter Pan—moving, cleaning, even planning vacations and caring for our babies. Are we “adult-ing” or are we really just bankrolling the role-play?
My more evolved friends have told me that we decide to grow up for the experience of it—of committing to one person, planning a wedding, buying a home, having a child, a family. But can’t I experience all that, at some point and hold on to the experience of being young and wild and free for as long as possible? Why not? I understand biological constraints; but I believe that there’s a sweet spot, and that I can make the leap at the point at which motherhood is now or never. As my friend, Nancy, likes to say, there is a way we can have it all.
scarcity ➡ abundance
My friend, Christine, is the embodiment of an abundance mindset, a concept that, at the start of this year, reframed my own life’s perspective. When good things — whether a big announcement like a company acquisition or a small joy like a surf trip in Kauai — happens for someone she knows (or, doesn’t know!), her instinct has always been, “wow, good for them!” I’ve observed how willing she is to share the things she loves (thank you for the countless keto snacks minus the keto lifestyle that I’m now addicted to); to share knowledge and answer questions—without feeling the need to take credit. When it comes to goals in 2022 — something my very thoughtful friend, Kat, asked me about recently — my honest answer is that I want spend all of my time this year and beyond living this way.
Until now, I’d dismissed “the abundance mindset” for its seemingly “woo-woo” associations (manifesting?). Apparently, it’s both more strategic and more scientific than it might seem —
The term was coined by Stephen Convey in 1989, in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and defined as “a concept in which a person believes there are enough resources and successes to share with others;” “there is plenty out there for everybody.”
In a 2019 study on abundance and scarcity, researchers found that a scarcity mindset affects neural processes, in particular, negatively influencing the area “well known for its role in goal-directed” decision-making. More importantly, a scarcity mindset affects confidence (less) and stress (more). A scarcity mindset is closely correlated with a victim mentality; while an abundance mindset is closely correlated with grit and a growth mindset.
Our current economic system (capitalism!) and workplace structures (corporations!) condition us to believe in scarcity—there are only so many places at the top, only so much money to go around, inflation is high, inventory is low, life is a land-grab.
Rafael Sarandeses speaks to this, introducing Kat Cole’s (by way of Angela Duckworth) paradigm of “…productive achievers and destructive achievers. As per her own description in a recent interview:
“There are a lot of people who have been incredibly successful by the typical person’s definition, financially or in terms of career acceleration, but have done it destructively, by not lifting others up and bringing them along. Then there are those who have been productive achievers, who have also brought others along with them and made a difference.”
For Cole, her giving attitude implied raising others and bringing them along in her path towards growth. A deep sense of purpose, rooted on an abundance mentality, had a significant impact on her professional success. […] Believing in abundance — without giving ourselves mindlessly nor denying our ambitions in the process — can lead us on a path towards personal well-being and success in life.”
the roots of scarcity
Of course, an abundance mindset is a privilege. There are childhoods that cultivate abundance and there are childhoods that condition us toward scarcity.
I grew up with scarcity. Like, actual scarcity—from living on food stamps in Tennessee (I was later told by a native that the neighborhood I lived in was a notorious “crack town”); to a sweet rotation of five hand-me-down sweaters; to my dad’s red Toyota reliably breaking down every time we went on a road trip (good mems, though).
For many years, the world felt like a place of scarcity for my parents and me. Sometimes, it still does. Even though my parents have money now, they still scold me for spending too much on Christmas presents, on rent; even though I have money now, I still keep those long-fucking-CVS receipts around, just in case there’s a coupon we can use. Generosity is one of my values, and yet, I frequently find myself doubting whether I can “afford” to be generous. As a “comfortable” friend once said of herself, “I’ll always feel poor.” I think I will too. When you grow up with very little, it’s unnatural to live like you have enough.
In addition to preserving resources, manifestations of a scarcity mindset include questioning and sabotaging success and postponing enjoyment (another case for eating the marshmallow already)—all behaviors I’ve seen in myself. Every time I receive good news — a job offer or writing that’s accepted for publication — I always think it’s too good to be true, that it’s not going to work out at the 11th hour. I’m always saving for a rainy day — but I have no idea when (or how?) to stop. Historically, I’ve refused to set goals for myself, partially because I don’t want to participate in the rat race, but partially because I’m afraid — because I believe — I won’t reach them.
In 2022, I want to pause and question this thinking, whenever it comes up. What we think is what we become, after all. I want to believe, instead, in abundance. I want to remind myself that life is good, really, and that there is [more than] enough. I want to live as if we — all of us — have already triumphed; as Paul Goodman, by way of Rebecca Solnit, suggests:
“Suppose you had the revolution you are talking and dreaming about. Suppose your side had won, and you had the kind of society you wanted. How would you live, you personally, in that society? Start living that way now!”
So great!! Let us know how we can best support you in catching yourself ❤️